What to do with relationship problems
I had an argument with my fianceé.
She's thousands of miles from me, and it, along with the other stresses, led to triggers being activated from my past.
Demons I thought were slain had come back - old traumas resurfaced.
Lessons I needed to learn.
The physical distance created an obvious break in communication. We can text and call, but it's not the same as being together.
The lack of communication was exacerbated by the internet connections available abroad. This led to a several hour gap between the time I'd text and she'd respond. This is highly unusual behavior for my fiancee & that would cause worry.
Rather than express the worries because they're silly & that would never happen, I would let them fester.
LESSON #1 - don't do that.
It's completely ok to push these worries aside with a firm knowledge of truth. She's safe & will be home soon.
I also haven't been eating much. Work occupies most of my day &
that, 6 days a week. Believe me when I tell you it will wear you down fast.
The combined lack of nutrition & increased workload are not good conditions to psychoanalyze your own relationship. You can come to all sorts of wrong conclusions with the quickness.
LESSON #2 - don't do that either.
Self care is important. I know I said in another blog that I'm not big on the "love yourself" idea, but I'm not opposed to self care either. I don't like the extremes "love yourself" leads to.
I do, however, like the idea of being able to function. That requires fuel. Without proper nutrition, my body didn't have the fuel it needed to maintain my normal testosterone levels. That, the low glucose & old emotional traumas created the perfect conditions to freak out.
I was absolutely certain she was doing the same thing my ex wife had done which couldn't be further from the truth.
Here's the problem: when our brain gets partial information about something, it fills in the missing bits with what it's best guess is of what should be there. Without new information, we can't complete the picture.
Because my fiancee & I are in unknown territory - being physically apart from my partner, my brain is trying to fill in the experiential details with it's best guess. All the information for those hypotheses were from my past relationships…so…. yeah.
The old me would've already had her belongings packed and shipped.
Now, I have tools at my disposal to fix these problems.
I've recognized what causes the worries & make sure to eat & sleep to prevent the worries.
I have new information to fill in missing pieces with. The new information came from increased communication & understanding.
We're getting a place of our own instead of she in hers and me in mine.
This is how you grow a relationship. You grow together, learn together, & even when you cannot be physically close, you can still be together.
📷 by Paul Gilmore
Jon Newton is TheRapportCoach. He teaches people how to use the neuroscience behind relationships to create extraordinary experiences between humans. From personal to business relationships, Jon helps humans navigate humanity.