It’s the only way to express our passions, ideas, goals and fears.
Those have to be well defined before they can be well communicated.
That’s why I focus a great deal of writing on self help, even though I’m a relationship coach.
Because great relationships start with a healthy self-image.
We act in accordance with our identity. Has someone ever asked you to do something you couldn’t or wouldn’t do? Our answer is usually something like “That’s not me.” or “I’m not that kind of person.”
The problems come when we cannot or have not defined what kind of person we are. What exactly is our identity? What values drive us? Why are they important? How do we know we’re getting those values?
Once that’s clarified, then and only then can we communicate those values to others.
Of course, that’s the trick...how do we communicate?
How do we learn more about our partner? Ask questions, then shut up and LISTEN.
Then when it’s time to speak, I’ve found to communicate my values in a way that guarantees I’m understood is to speak another language.
Now, I’m not saying go out and learn a foreign language, I’m saying speak your partner’s language. What words do they use to define their values? If you want to build rapport and strengthen the connection, USE THEIR WORDS.
We all have our own lexicon; words we learned through our experiences in life. When we hear a word, our brains run through every instance where we’ve encountered that word before, all the way back to the first time, pulls up every emotion associated with that word, and then throws out the definition we think fits best.
Because those words have an emotional attachment, we can neither hear nor speak those words without experiencing the attached emotion.
A lot of the time, those words will have the same or very similar definitions to our own. Sometimes they won’t. Using your partner’s lexicon guarantees you’ll be understood. Better still, your partner will know they are understood.
It’s not reflective listening. You’re not restating what they said. You’re giving their words back to them in the exact order and sequence they are spoken. Those words do not have to be decoded by your partner’s neurology. There’s no breakdown in communication. They don’t have to wonder “what you meant by that”.
They immediately understand AND FEEL MORE CONNECTED to you.
It’s the best way I’ve found to communicate to strengthen relationships. It’s also great for defusing arguments.
Feel free to drop questions or comments below. You might want to sign up for my upcoming class too. I’ll be teaching more on effective communication for relationship building, and I guarantee you’ll be able to build better relationships faster, with anyone you want, any time.
SignUp for the LoveDoneRight minicourse now
Jon Newton is TheRapportCoach. He teaches how to use the neuroscience behind relationships to create extraordinary experiences between humans. From personal to business relationships, Jon helps humans navigate humanity.