In my triumph through trials story, I talked about my journey of self discovery that stemmed from divorce years prior.
That self discovery came from wanting to learn how to win the love of a woman.
It was literally the best relationship advice I've ever gotten.
It was the great David Snyder who said "fix your shit first".
And it was he who taught me how.
We often look at relationships as a way of "making us whole".
And therein lies the problem.
You don't have to spend thousands on private coaching with me, I'll tell you what I learned. It's the best relationship advice I've ever gotten, and was instrumental in attracting my fiancée.
Here's what I learned:
Relationships don't make us whole. We are whole individuals already. What we look for is our first and familiar definition of love.
That definition is whatever was there first, then whatever became familiar. It established a pattern and that pattern became the criteria by which the value is defined.
So if your first and familiar is a loving environment where Mommy and Daddy love each other, protect and uplift and want the best good for each other, relationship norms become that same dynamic. Love is defined as wholesome, good, possible and nurturing.
Conversely, if your first and familiar are an environment with imperfect parents, who don't know how to express love, are selfish or critical, and have never been taught how to love; then your definition of love is vastly different. You'll expect different behaviors in relationships and that subconscious expectation creates a very different reality.
We seek our definition of love because that value drives us. The behavior it creates is based on our sense of self. If our sense of self is unhealthy because of our first and familiars, then our relationships will be unhealthy. It will become the norm.
Relationships can be toxic and harmful and affect every area of your life.
They can also be immensely helpful and nurturing and affect every area of your life.
Behavioral norms are driven by our identity. We act in accordance with our belief system. Because we believe the relationship norm to be good and nurturing and helpful, we act in a way that reinforces that belief.
The behavior comes automatically and it either strengthens or decimates the relationship bonds.
That's part of my upcoming class on finding your perfect partner, and I'll be teaching why we look for x,y and z in relationships, how to change that and actually be the perfect partner for your mate.
Jon Newton is TheRapportCoach. He teaches people how to use the neuroscience behind relationships to create extraordinary experiences between humans. From personal to business relationships, Jon helps humans navigate humanity.