We had our first fight yesterday

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A post shared by April Yvette Thompson (@aprilyvettethompson) on Oct 31, 2019 at 1:07pm PDT

• @therapportcoach on relationships: We had our 1st fight yesterday
  
  This woman is the most amazingly beautiful creature I've ever met. She is strong & vulnerable. The most inspirational leader & supportive partner
  
  She makes me want to be the husband she thinks I am
  
  We met online
  
  I wasn't looking for a wife, she certainly didn't want a husband
  
  Neither of us were expecting the other to be soul mate material
  
  We thought certainly our differences in beliefs abt spiritual or political issues to be the wedges that pushed us apart. It was the subject of our 1st fight
  
  Heated arguments rarely accomplish anything. We're both fire types. Trying to reassert our points did nothing to help. We have a tendency to speak louder when we aren't feeling heard. What we should've done, was listen
  
  Had we listened, we would've understood each other better. It would've been a better learning experience. The goal is to learn and love one another, that takes listening & understanding
  
  It means setting aside our personal beliefs long enough to understand the other's, & accepting it as part of who they are. Whether or not we agree is irrelevant. What is relevant, is can we love the other person despite the differences
  
  Arguments are less abt who's right & who's wrong, more abt "I'm not being heard"
  
  It reminds me of a story my German teacher told 30 yrs ago
  
  An American was in Germany & went to a magazine kiosk to buy stamps, but didn't speak German “U got any stamps?" The man behind the kiosk didn't speak English & just looked back w/a blank stare "Do u have any stamps?" He said again
  
  Blank stare "DO YOU SELL STAMPS?!" as if saying it louder would break the language barrier
  
  That's how most people argue… As if reiterating their points at a louder volume will break the language barrier. It doesn't.
  Just like that American needed different language skills to get his point across, we need different skills to settle disagreements more quickly & amicably
  
  Listen.
  
  Please, for the sake of ur relationship, learn how to listen
  
  It means STOP TALKING
• LISTEN to what ur partner is saying,
• understand that 1st,
• so u can CLARIFY what isn't being said
  
  
  

• • Ur partner has a point
    Whether or not U agree is, again, irrelevant.
    What's their point?
    Why is it important?
    W/communication, the speaker will use those words that have deep emotional connection to their experience.
    It is bec of their experience that their words may or may not have the same meaning as urs. This is why it's important to use their words to restate their point.
    
    Once u understand ur partner, then & only then, should u state ur point. I highly recommend doing so calmly. A soft answer will always turn wrath away. If ur partner doesn't understand, explain; w/out getting frustrated.
    
    
    
  • Remember, saying it louder doesn't break the language barrier.
  • 
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