As are the best relationships.
This is because love requires action. These actions are the building blocks of every great relationship. They are cause and effect.
The actions create feelings. The feelings cause reactions, the reactions are building blocks as well, and when the strength of the relationship is tested, it will be proven by the strength of the blocks. Actions, not feelings, determine outcome.
Our actions also reveal our true feelings. We do what we want. Human behavior is driven by feelings, some feelings we like, some we don't.
That's about the extent of what "the heart" wants. The rest gets wrapped up in emotions, related stories and then logic and reason.
We are typically attracted to someone, "fall in love" and want to spend time with them, get to know them, and create a relationship.
If yours are anything like my past experiences, they didn't last more than about eight months, mentally abusive narcissistic sociopaths not included.
At some point the relationship would break down, the infatuation would die out, the actions would stop and the relationships end. Stop me if you've lived this one before…
But the best relationships are built on the results of love in action. The actions are motivated the purest desire for the other's good. They are unselfish and sacrificial. They are unconditional and complete.
They build the relationship because they build the person. They show that person their own worth. The actions build a haven for that person to be themselves, without fear of rejection or ridicule. The actions build trust.
Here's a few you can take to build your best relationship:Speak their language.
I'm going to assume the person you're in a relationship with speaks the same language you do. When I say speak their language I don't just mean using their words, I mean know how that person expresses and understands love.
He may be tactile, she might be a giver. The value is the same, but the criteria is different. He may not feel loved with all that stuff but no touch, she may feel unsatisfied because he takes and wants sex all the time.
When you can understand how your partner receives love, you can know how to give it. You may even have to ask. What does being loved look like to that person? How do they know they're getting it?
We can have the same value as our partners but our criteria may be completely different. It may seem unnatural at first, just as learning a second language, but with time and use, it becomes much easier to love your partner the way they need.
Give them space to be themselves.
Again, I'm making an assumption…your partner is their own person. They have a healthy, whole identity that isn't based on you. That's a good thing. It's part of what attracted you to them in the first place.
Let that person grow. They don't need to be corrected or judged, and they probably aren't going to grow at the same speed you do. It's ok. It's not your job in a relationship to "fix" the other person, it's your job to love and accept the other person.
Love them unconditionally, and accept them for who they are. It gives them the freedom to be themselves, and it gives you an authentic view of the person. You don't have to worry about how they're going to be in a few months when they quit trying to impress you.
Listen to understand.
This one, I have to do consciously.
A friend told me once that I "listen to respond".
Which, I thought, was a step up...I used to react. Now I listen to understand.
It means hearing what isn't said, and reading the emotional cues that come with the words. It comes from knowing the person, inside and out.
This is achieved through rapport. With a deep connection comes understanding how your person processes emotions, and vibrating on their level. It means you're able to feel what they feel and know why they feel it. It gives you the uncanny ability to understand their motivations and answer them.
It allows your person to feel understood.
When they feel understood, the connection is strengthened.
Men, let me help you here: listen to your partner. Make decisions as a couple. I promise you, if you do that, you'll never have to worry about her leaving.
This is by no means an exclusive list. It's just three simple things you can do right now to improve your relationships. These actions build the relationship by letting your person know they are valued and loved.
Make your relationship a garden where she can thrive.
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Jon Newton is TheRapportCoach. He teaches how to use the neuroscience behind relationships to create extraordinary experiences between humans. From personal to business relationships, Jon helps humans navigate humanity.