people still like to meet people
I hate seeing people hurt.
I've been through a divorce, and several failed relationships after that looking for significance and satisfaction again. Looking for my person.
The one that got me was this girl that I thought God made for me. Needles to say, she wasn't.
After that I went on a deeper dive to find out why things weren't working out. Why did I keep picking the wrong woman for me? Why did I feel this need to be in a relationship?
What I found was unhealed traumas. Events that occurred when I was a child and went un-dealt with had left filters in place that were affecting the rest of my life.
More importantly, I learned how to heal these traumas and change the filters.
Personally, I find the neuroscience behind it fascinating. We have three brains so to speak and they all process different parts of life and our surroundings.
The brain stem, often referred to as the paleo cortex, is what the Bible refers to as the heart. It's not the blood pumper, it's the decision maker. For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7a. It thinks in primal drives: is it familiar? Familiar is good. Unfamiliar - bad. Is it friendly? Friendly - good. Unfriendly - bad. Can I procreate with it? Yes - good, no - bad. Can I eat it? Yes - good, no - bad.
That's about it. It has no capacity for language. It wants one or more of those four checked, and preferably the top three. To the heart, those top three equal survival.
The next layer of the brain processes emotion. It's where we feel love, joy, sadness, anger, surprise, happiness and peace. It also lacks the capacity for language. That's why we say things like "it just feels right".
The outer layer is where we process words, stories and logic. It's where we experience the life around us.
When something happens in life, whatever it may be, if it's the first then it becomes the template by which all other like experiences should go. It becomes the template for the norm. Anything else is unfamiliar.
Everything we experience through our senses gets processed through the thalamus and to the different biological components that determine our next move, and it happens at billions of bits of information per second. Some things get filtered out, they're not critical to survival.
But everything we pay attention to is affected by how we feel in the moment, so if we feel safe, we want more of that, we pay attention to things that make us feel safe and look for possibilities of threat. Just the same for happiness, love and everything else positive. When we experience trauma, it creates a filter and every experience like that trauma reinforces the filter to be the norm.
In a relationship, we look for two things - we look for what we didn't get, and what we did. The need for familiarity says that's what a relationship is supposed to be like, and that's the feelings I want from it. If that first example of a relationship was chaotic, argumentative and bitter, we'll have relationships like that. If they were loving, supportive and peaceful, we'll have relationships that are too. All the while, looking for what we didn't get.
When I felt abandoned and unloved by my mother, I sought significance and affection from aloof women. It's a recipe for heartbreak.
Needless to say when I did get into a relationship and did get those feelings I was looking for, it didn't fit the norm and my subconscious would direct my behavior to push that woman away. Affection wasn't normal, significance wasn't normal.
Knowing this allowed me to understand those events better, and understanding allowed me to change how those things affect my life.
I no longer look for significance in others. God showed me how much I'm worth when Christ died on the cross of Calvary for me. It should've been me dying for my sin. But God loves me enough to provide that sacrifice in my stead, so I can have a relationship with him.
God showed me not only that I am loved, but how to love. He shows me how to be a better partner, a better father and a better friend. He walks with me, encourages me, strengthens me, guides me and comforts me. So that I can do the same for others.
I teach people how to reframe their traumas into learning experiences, how to create better filters that direct different behaviors with metaframes.
I teach people how to read body language and emotional cues in the face to better understand how the other person feels.
I teach people how to build rapport quickly through communication to strengthen a relationship bond, and how to show the other person that they are understood so there's less arguments.
I teach people how to be more attractive to their respective partners, so there's less of a chance of infidelity.
When you understand how people absorb and filter information, what makes events and ideas good or bad in that person's eyes, and how people express emotions through nonverbal communications, then you can easily understand how people respond to things and build relationships.
Really, the key here is to pay attention. Because when people express things subconsciously, it happens in a fraction of a second. They're called micro-expressions, and they tell you how a person is feeling. The face is basically a holographic projection of the emotions felt and expressed. Every line tells a story and every gesture reveals truth.
It happens because this nonverbal communication is subconscious. It's not controlled by the outer layer of the brain. It's controller by the part that always answers first, is always forthright and has no capacity for language. It comes out in flashes of the eyebrow or wrinkling up the nose. It comes out in the direction the feet are pointed and openness of the hands.
The entire face and body tells others how we're feeling. Knowing how to read and respond builds connections. That's what I do for others. I teach them how to find a partner, build a relationship and make it thrive.
I've been through a divorce, and several failed relationships after that looking for significance and satisfaction again. Looking for my person.
The one that got me was this girl that I thought God made for me. Needles to say, she wasn't.
After that I went on a deeper dive to find out why things weren't working out. Why did I keep picking the wrong woman for me? Why did I feel this need to be in a relationship?
What I found was unhealed traumas. Events that occurred when I was a child and went un-dealt with had left filters in place that were affecting the rest of my life.
More importantly, I learned how to heal these traumas and change the filters.
Personally, I find the neuroscience behind it fascinating. We have three brains so to speak and they all process different parts of life and our surroundings.
The brain stem, often referred to as the paleo cortex, is what the Bible refers to as the heart. It's not the blood pumper, it's the decision maker. For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7a. It thinks in primal drives: is it familiar? Familiar is good. Unfamiliar - bad. Is it friendly? Friendly - good. Unfriendly - bad. Can I procreate with it? Yes - good, no - bad. Can I eat it? Yes - good, no - bad.
That's about it. It has no capacity for language. It wants one or more of those four checked, and preferably the top three. To the heart, those top three equal survival.
The next layer of the brain processes emotion. It's where we feel love, joy, sadness, anger, surprise, happiness and peace. It also lacks the capacity for language. That's why we say things like "it just feels right".
The outer layer is where we process words, stories and logic. It's where we experience the life around us.
When something happens in life, whatever it may be, if it's the first then it becomes the template by which all other like experiences should go. It becomes the template for the norm. Anything else is unfamiliar.
Everything we experience through our senses gets processed through the thalamus and to the different biological components that determine our next move, and it happens at billions of bits of information per second. Some things get filtered out, they're not critical to survival.
But everything we pay attention to is affected by how we feel in the moment, so if we feel safe, we want more of that, we pay attention to things that make us feel safe and look for possibilities of threat. Just the same for happiness, love and everything else positive. When we experience trauma, it creates a filter and every experience like that trauma reinforces the filter to be the norm.
In a relationship, we look for two things - we look for what we didn't get, and what we did. The need for familiarity says that's what a relationship is supposed to be like, and that's the feelings I want from it. If that first example of a relationship was chaotic, argumentative and bitter, we'll have relationships like that. If they were loving, supportive and peaceful, we'll have relationships that are too. All the while, looking for what we didn't get.
When I felt abandoned and unloved by my mother, I sought significance and affection from aloof women. It's a recipe for heartbreak.
Needless to say when I did get into a relationship and did get those feelings I was looking for, it didn't fit the norm and my subconscious would direct my behavior to push that woman away. Affection wasn't normal, significance wasn't normal.
Knowing this allowed me to understand those events better, and understanding allowed me to change how those things affect my life.
I no longer look for significance in others. God showed me how much I'm worth when Christ died on the cross of Calvary for me. It should've been me dying for my sin. But God loves me enough to provide that sacrifice in my stead, so I can have a relationship with him.
God showed me not only that I am loved, but how to love. He shows me how to be a better partner, a better father and a better friend. He walks with me, encourages me, strengthens me, guides me and comforts me. So that I can do the same for others.
I teach people how to reframe their traumas into learning experiences, how to create better filters that direct different behaviors with metaframes.
I teach people how to read body language and emotional cues in the face to better understand how the other person feels.
I teach people how to build rapport quickly through communication to strengthen a relationship bond, and how to show the other person that they are understood so there's less arguments.
I teach people how to be more attractive to their respective partners, so there's less of a chance of infidelity.
When you understand how people absorb and filter information, what makes events and ideas good or bad in that person's eyes, and how people express emotions through nonverbal communications, then you can easily understand how people respond to things and build relationships.
Really, the key here is to pay attention. Because when people express things subconsciously, it happens in a fraction of a second. They're called micro-expressions, and they tell you how a person is feeling. The face is basically a holographic projection of the emotions felt and expressed. Every line tells a story and every gesture reveals truth.
It happens because this nonverbal communication is subconscious. It's not controlled by the outer layer of the brain. It's controller by the part that always answers first, is always forthright and has no capacity for language. It comes out in flashes of the eyebrow or wrinkling up the nose. It comes out in the direction the feet are pointed and openness of the hands.
The entire face and body tells others how we're feeling. Knowing how to read and respond builds connections. That's what I do for others. I teach them how to find a partner, build a relationship and make it thrive.
My name is Jon Newton, the Rapport Coach
I'm also a dad, chef, photographer and writer.
I also, as you know, because you're reading this, teach people how to have the best personal and professional relationships. I'm not the type of coach that says 'you can do it' at every session, I'm more the type that says this is how it works and this what to do. It's up to you to go put it into practice.
I'm the type of coach that can help you heal from trauma, but I can't heal you. You have to do that.
I can teach you how to have better customer reviews but I won't get you a five star rating. You have to do that.
I can give you the tools to have amazing relationships, but I won't guarantee you meet the love of your life. You have to do that.
It's up to me to show you how it works, it's up to you to make it happen.
So make it happen
I also, as you know, because you're reading this, teach people how to have the best personal and professional relationships. I'm not the type of coach that says 'you can do it' at every session, I'm more the type that says this is how it works and this what to do. It's up to you to go put it into practice.
I'm the type of coach that can help you heal from trauma, but I can't heal you. You have to do that.
I can teach you how to have better customer reviews but I won't get you a five star rating. You have to do that.
I can give you the tools to have amazing relationships, but I won't guarantee you meet the love of your life. You have to do that.
It's up to me to show you how it works, it's up to you to make it happen.
So make it happen
